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8 Smart & Steamy Intimacy Tips From A Mom Of 8 Who Has "Lots Of Sex"

Jun 08, 2024


Like money, leisure time, and silence, sex is something that seems to become more scarce the more kids you have. But, as it turns out, that’s not the case for everyone.

“I have eight kids, and I have lots of sex,” says Kalecia Simmons, a life coach and the mother of a 1-, 3-, 4-, 8-, 10-, 11-, 15-, and 16- year-old, who all live under one roof with her husband of 12 years in Maryland. As a parent of just two young pipsqueaks, I have lots of questions — like how she found time to make babies three through eight. So, I asked.

“When we first got married, we were having sex more often,” Simmons admits. “But between baby after baby after baby, and all the hormonal ups and downs, we’ve made it our priority to keep our spark alive and make time for each other,” she says, as if intention makes more hours in the day. (Imagine!) “Anything you want to happen has to be high on your priority list.”

Amen! And her sex advice only gets smarter.

Simmons finds moments here and there to let her husband know she’s thinking of him — and he does the same for her, even if it’s sending a quick text message like “Last night was great ;),” dropping a sexy note in his lunch, or having an impromptu, lightning-fast makeout session in the laundry room. “We’re both busy, so it’s not like we throw down rose petals and lay down in missionary position every time; that’s unrealistic for the average person,” she says. “But everyone has a bathroom where they can sneak away for a few minutes.”

That’s not to say Simmons’ and her husband constantly pursue privacy. Often, they kiss and hug right in front of their kids. “The older ones are like, ‘Ew!’” she admits. “But they see us disagree when we’re not excited about each other, so that can’t be all they see. We think it’s healthy for them to learn there’s no shame in loving your partner.”

On days when you can (both) squeeze in a shower, invite your partner to join you in the steamy bathroom for a kiss, Simmons suggests. Even if shampoo was the only thing on your original agenda, “it will probably lead to sex,” she predicts. If there’s a will to wash, there’s a way!

Simmons sometimes sets up activities for her kids to keep their attention, like pressing play on a movie with popcorn and candy. “If I gave you a million dollars to get your kids to chill out for one hour, you’d figure it out,” she says. “You’ll plan if you want it badly enough.”

The beauty of having such a wide range of children is that the big ones can keep an eye on the little ones while you’re… otherwise engaged. But Simmons and her husband often wait until the younger kids are napping, the older ones are washing dishes, and/or the teens are out with their friends.

“Whenever all of our kids are having a moment, we walk away,” she says. Surprisingly, her kids don’t even notice when she and her husband disappear into the bathroom or garage together. “They’ve never walked in on us having sex, which is crazy because we’ve done it all over the house,” she adds.

“I’m literally half-ass naked all the time,” says Simmons, whose equivalent of a house dress is booty shorts and a sports bra. “It’s comfortable, and I want to be comfortable,” she explains. Bonus: Sometimes, this effortless outfit is all her husband needs to get turned on — the perfect foreplay for a crazy-busy mom. Whether you’re wearing sweats or an oversized sweater, being the subject of your partner’s adoration is just the boost of confidence we all need to feel the heat, too.

After all, Simmons acknowledges that the more kids you have, the harder it can be to embrace the changes in your body and feel good no matter what you’re wearing. “Every time I’ve had a baby, I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that part of being a mother is losing some parts of yourself,” she says, describing herself as “snapped, snatched, and looking like Beyonce” before she began having kids in her 20s. “But I remind myself that I don’t have to look like a model and that I can feel good and be desirable and still be a mom. The most attractive person is a confident one, and I want to set that example for my daughters.”

One element of making time to be with your partner means setting boundaries with your children, Simmons says. “Of course, kids need to be nurtured and cuddled, and sometimes they need to lay down with us in our bed,” she says. But once they’re asleep, she transfers them to their own territory to give her and her husband the space they need for intimacy.

Simmons swears it’s not that hard to find private time for sex, in part because her kids can be quite self-sufficient in busying themselves and supervising one another. (#Blessed!) So when a week goes by where she and her husband don’t manage to connect, it warrants a conversation, she says, with a warning: “If three weeks go by with no intimacy, someone is being neglected. If it’s not you, it’s them.”

This doesn’t mean you have to have sex once a month to keep your partner happy — obviously, the ideal cadence will vary by couple. It just means that 30 days without some lovin’ could mean it’s time to carve out kid-free time to focus on each other.

Simmons’ sex life sounds, well, wild. But every mom knows the feeling of being clung to, poked, and prodded by their kids all day long, at which point, sex is the a-b-s-o-l-u-t-e last thing on your mind. “Someone is always touching me, and sometimes I get maxed out and overstimulated,” Simmons admits. Rather than let her husband make a move and feel rejected, she asks him to watch the squad so she can slip out for a solo bath. “It resets me, and when I get out, I feel sexy again,” the mom of eight says, encouraging others to communicate their needs. “You need to tell your partner to keep a safe distance when your tank is empty so he can help you fill back up and get you back into a space where you feel better about touch,” she says.

She also looks for clues that her husband is burnt out — like when he collapses into her hug at the end of the day, a sign he needs space rather than sex, at least for tonight.

All of “it” being dishes, laundry, and anything you feel like you have to do besides eating, breathing, and keeping your kiddos safe, of course. “You have to be OK with having a few piles of laundry unfolded and a living room filled with toys and crayons underfoot,” Simmons says. “Get a grip. Who are you trying to make your house look perfect for, and what are you missing out on at night to achieve it?” she challenges. Chances are, a few items on your to-do list can be rescheduled to make space for you and your partner.

Dirty house? Indeed!

Elizabeth NarinsSet the stage for sex with small gestures.Share shower time.Offset your sexy time with something special for your kids to do.Underdress at home.Keep your kids in their own beds.Try not to let a month go by without getting it on.Know what you need when it’s not sexual touch.“F*ck all that sh*t.”